The Wandering-Mind

I still see it, though it was long ago every night as I close my eyes it starts where it left off the night before. That moment, my life changed in an instant, and everything I thought I knew crashed down when I read her say I love you to a man who wasn’t me. The pain I felt was unlike I’d ever felt before.

I’ve cheated death many times in my life, yet those words killed me. I hear their voices, I see their faces, and it haunts me every day and everywhere I go. I see it in the faces of every happy couple I have contact with, and it drove me to the depths of the darkest hole of depression that letters mixed into words could describe. Embarrassed and ashamed, I kept my pain and suffering locked inside and thought I could handle it alone. I became distant and isolated in a way that had the worst possible effects on me.

The changing point was when I had nothing left in me, and I reached out. I went into a church in Vinita, OK, tears falling like a frantic man in front of a congregation of strangers, and I fell to my knees, begging for someone to help me. I had given up, I couldn’t carry the hurt, and I couldn’t handle seeing it replay in my head every second of every day.

Nothing changed in that moment, nothing changed for several months, but the most important thing I got out of that was people I could count on. People who didn’t judge, didn’t even ask why I hurt they simply hugged me because of the pain I wore on my face.

Reaching out does not make you less of a human. It is a lifeline we all need. I learned coping skills that helped me deal with the demons in my head. I am no longer afraid to express my need for help when the pain gets too much. It may never go away, but neither will I. Please, friends, reach out no matter what you’re going through. A crisis is not measured or compared, you matter. Let me show you, just reach out. I’m thankful I did. I love you all!